Literary advice sought

[SPEMack618]

So, bit of a back story, in class today, I got to sketching out an outline for a short story.

The protagonist is a Delta Force commando, but a little on the younger side, and as far as Delta guys can be, an underachiever.

As in, not a ringknocker, mediocre grades, decent OERs, no serious relationships, destined to put in his 20 and retire as a light bird.

His sister, on the other hand, is an ovrachiever, valedictorian, happily engaged research scientist at the CDC who becomes aware of a dangerous nw strain of MRSA eminating from a Sudanese hospital. Her superiors disregard her warnings and she calls her brother. Who then finally steps up for the first time in his life and goes rogue to stop the Sudanese bad guys.

Sound plausible? Something worth reading?

[Excalibur]

Ok so....what's the story about?

[SPEMack618]

Delta guy finally steps up to do something worth doing.

[Excalibur]

Ok, that sounds like a poster tag line. What happens in the story?

[SPEMack618]

I'm thinking the Delta guy gets tipped off about said super-bug from his sister, decides to act, and has to go somewhat off the reservation to do it.

[MT2008]

Originally Posted by SPEMack618

So, bit of a back story, in class today, I got to sketching out an outline for a short story.

The protagonist is a Delta Force commando, but a little on the younger side, and as far as Delta guys can be, an underachiever.

As in, not a ringknocker, mediocre grades, decent OERs, no serious relationships, destined to put in his 20 and retire as a light bird.

His sister, on the other hand, is an ovrachiever, valedictorian, happily engaged research scientist at the CDC who becomes aware of a dangerous nw strain of MRSA eminating from a Sudanese hospital. Her superiors disregard her warnings and she calls her brother. Who then finally steps up for the first time in his life and goes rogue to stop the Sudanese bad guys.

Sound plausible? Something worth reading?

The main problem I have is with your protagonist. The idea of a guy who was good enough to pass selection for a Tier 1 SF group (or, indeed, any group falling under JSOC command) being an "underachiever" is going to be impossible to sell, IMO. Those dudes can never be, by the nature of their job, underachievers in any way. And stories about underachievers who discover their potential in dangerous situations have been done to death, and they tend to be pretty tough to pull off when the character is so difficult to relate to (sadly, that seems to be the situation you're setting up here). It might be better to have him dealing with other psychological issues (i.e. PTSD, after a recent combat deployment) or character flaws that he needs to resolve in order to become a better person, or at least heal himself from a serious trauma.

[Excalibur]

And we go back to what I was asking. What is the story actually. Not the character, stop describling the character. I want to know the story. Is it a crime drama? cops, drug deals? ex military shit? Black ops? aliens? What's the conflict?

[Clutch]

Originally Posted by Excalibur

And we go back to what I was asking. What is the story actually. Not the character, stop describling the character. I want to know the story. Is it a crime drama? cops, drug deals? ex military shit? Black ops? aliens? What's the conflict?

Well, not to sound like a smart-ass, but it sounds like an action/thriller at the very least, given the angle about the MSRA-type bug and Sudanese terrorists.

[SPEMack618]

Originally Posted by MT2008

The main problem I have is with your protagonist. The idea of a guy who was good enough to pass selection for a Tier 1 SF group (or, indeed, any group falling under JSOC command) being an "underachiever" is going to be impossible to sell, IMO. Those dudes can never be, by the nature of their job, underachievers in any way. And stories about underachievers who discover their potential in dangerous situations have been done to death, and they tend to be pretty tough to pull off when the character is so difficult to relate to (sadly, that seems to be the situation you're setting up here). It might be better to have him dealing with other psychological issues (i.e. PTSD, after a recent combat deployment) or character flaws that he needs to resolve in order to become a better person, or at least heal himself from a serious trauma.

Cool. I like the honest response. And the PTSD angle, having some minor experience with that, I can expound upon that.

Excalibur, just pure unadulterated action/adventure gun porn. Bad guys against the good guy, good guy wins by virute of shooting faster and straighter.

At the end I would like to see the protagonist acclaim some measure of fame and have a nice lunch with his sister.

[Rockwolf66]

My sugestion would be to portray him as a guy who has lost his mental "Edge". With something happening to his sister he has to get that edge back.