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Old 06-04-2010, 06:17 AM
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Talking Funny: What if JAWS was made TODAY?

A funny article as to what the classic Spielberg film "JAWS" would be if it were released in 2010.......

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Once a year you should revisit Jaws and remind yourself of how it's done. A perfect movie, Jaws is just as effective and amazing today - on my hundredth or so viewing - as it was when it was first released. There's very little in Jaws that has really aged, but if the movie were made today it would be a completely and totally different beast.

What if Jaws were made today? Not a remake or a reboot, but what if Spielberg's movie had never happened (but the world of cinema it inspired somehow still did), and somebody took a shot at Peter Benchley's novel in 2010? This is what I think it might look like:

- There would be a new title. Jaws is too minimalist these days, so Universal would probably rename the film Jaws: Rise of the Great White.

- JJ Abrams directs from a script by Kurtzman and Orci. While the writers insist that they grew up on the novel, Abrams says that he always preferred The Deep.

- Sam Worthington stars as Chief Brody. He has an extensive backstory where we learn that during his time as an NYPD cop he killed a kid on the Staten Island Ferry. Since then he has been afraid of water, and unwilling to use a gun.

- Michael Cera stars as Matt Hooper. He has an extensive backstory where we learn that his connection to the shark is deeply personal.

- Samuel L. Jackson stars as Quint.

- Zoe Saldana is Ellen Brody. As in the book, she has an affair with Matt Hooper.

- Justin Bieber stars as Michael Brody, who stows away on the Orca before the main trio take off.

- This movie wouldn't keep audiences questioning where the shark came from, or why it's so smart. An extensive shark backstory is developed and included, helping bring the film's runtime to a solid 2:40. It turns out that Hooper's rich dad paid for extensive bioengineering experiments on sharks, and the result is a Great White like we've never seen before.

- Amity Island is too square. The action is moved to Miami Beach or Ibiza (depending on what sort of upfront foreign investments there are).

- It's in 3D IMAX. But it wasn't shot in either format. Duh.

- Of course there's a CGI shark, but this CGI shark will be doing things no other CGI shark has ever done, including insane acrobatics. But more importantly this is a character story, so Andy Serkis will be hired to do the mocap for the CGI shark.

- The shark is loud. Every time the shark glides past the camera or jumps out of the water it's accompanied by a massive outpouring of foley work - whooshes and crashes thunder. Whenever the shark opens its mouth there is the sound of all the animals in the zoo, smashed into one noise.

- The score is by Hans Zimmer, or a member of his factory. It will play over every single second of the motion picture.

- All of the Orca scenes are shot against a greenscreen in a water tank. It's just more reasonable on the budget.

- Producers will boast about the SharkVision scenes, explaining that new FX technology has allowed them to truly recreate the vibrational way that sharks see the world. This is where all that budget went.

- Quint doesn't die. That's too big a bummer. Michael saves him, and the crusty old seaman learns a valuable lesson about friendship.

- The shark is defeated when Brody, remembering a passage in one of the old books he flipped through, realizes this is his Destiny. He is finally able to pull the trigger, exploding the oxygen tank in the shark's mouth. This, of course, happens after a 20 minute aquatic chase through a marina, an off-shore oil platform and a water park.

- The last shot of the film is now a slow pullback to reveal a whole school of Great Whites, closing in on the sandy white beaches of Miami.

- Webisodes are released revealing the important missing moments, like what happened to Ben Gardner, what Hooper did after the cage was destroyed, and how Michael won his school talent show with an original song.

- Producers announce that Jaws: Rise of the Great White is just the beginning of a trilogy. Coming in 2012 is Jaws 2: Red Waters of Vengeance, and in 2013 is the prequel, Jaws: Fall of the Indianapolis. TI is cast to play the young Quint in that film.
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Old 06-04-2010, 07:22 AM
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If this were to actually happen, please blow my brains out with a 10 gauge shotgun (altough Zoe Salanda is hot).
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Old 06-04-2010, 09:38 AM
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Shhhh...!!! Don't give them any ideas!!!!

Hilarious read, though. "Jaws: Red Waters of Vengeance" LMAO.
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Old 06-04-2010, 04:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swordfish941 View Post
If this were to actually happen, please blow my brains out with a 10 gauge shotgun (altough Zoe Salanda is hot).
I don't have a 10 Ga, but if you give me your address and a plane ticket, maybe we can work something out
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Old 06-05-2010, 04:54 AM
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I don't have a 10 Ga, but if you give me your address and a plane ticket, maybe we can work something out
I said If this would happen (and it is very unlikely).
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Old 06-05-2010, 05:08 AM
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Holy Crap! They're considering remaking Jaws as a 3-d Movie starring Tracy Morgan!!!!!!!!!

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'Jaws' Shark Hunted Down
by Liana Maeby · June 4, 2010

The star of "Jaws" has been found resting in a Los Angeles junkyard.

No, not Richard Dreyfuss -- the shark! With the 35th anniversary of Steven Spielberg's classic blockbuster just around the corner, an NPR reporter set out to track down the mechanical beast that struck fear into the hearts of so many.

In order to maximize their control over the creature, the "Jaws" filmmakers built three sharks for their 1975 movie. All created from the same mold, the sharks were dubbed "Bruce" after Spielberg's lawyer, Bruce Ramer. The gigantic metal creatures were 25-feet long and weighed hundreds of pounds. The heads alone came in at 400 lbs. apiece, with jaws the size of a small human.

When reporter and "Jaws"-enthusiast Cory Turner set out to track down Bruce's whereabouts, he went straight to the source -- the movie's director. A spokesman for Steven Spielberg explained that the original Bruces had all been destroyed, as no one had thought to save them.

But theories circulated on a Facebook page for the famous shark that another Bruce might be out there. After a little research, Turner discovered that a fourth shark had indeed been cast from the original mold, just months after its brothers were constructed. The baby of the Bruce family was created for display at Universal Studios Theme Park, where it hung by its tail for fifteen years.

In 1990, the shark was taken down and shipped out to destinations unknown. Turner picked up the phone and started dialing junkyards. He finally found the creature in a yard in the Sun Valley area of Southern California -- just minutes away from Universal. Turner brought the team who built Bruce -- art department members Joe Alves and Roy Arbogast to verify the shark's authenticity.

"It's the real one," Arbogast told Turner after examining the creature. "It's just kinda' nice to see it again after 25 or 30 years. It's amazing that it's still here."

Bruce's discovery couldn't come at a better time. There's talk that Universal might be considering a 3D "Jaws" remake -- with comedian Tracy Morgan in the shark-hunter role. Perhaps Bruce will find his way onto the silver screen once again.
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Old 06-05-2010, 05:14 AM
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Tracy Morgan needs to stay on 30 Rock with Tina Fey and and that aging Baldwin Brother. If he took that role, his career will never recover.
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