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Old 08-03-2011, 01:44 PM
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Default The ultimate offensive pistol

So, today I decided to create the ultimate handgun, since I feel that every weapon in all existence is lacking in certain key features which videogames have taught me are needed on any proper pistol. This is going to be a real offensive pistol.

For operators.

Anyway, we start with our base weapon, the most effective and respectable gun in the world, the .50 AE Deagle. To start with, I decided to go with an extended clip. The Deagle has a very simple method of extending the clip, you just press the little button by the trigger guard and then pull it from the retracted position to the extended position, like so:



Unfortunately, the Deagle has a severe design flaw, in that extending the clip prevents the gun from firing and makes it fall out if you pick the gun up. Heaven knows how such a thing snuck through quality control.

So, we need to get a bit more in depth to get a clip of respectable size for a real Delta-SWAT karate samurai cowboy. We also need a barrel extension, since if you can't hit your opponent with your front sight past the effective range of the actual weapon, you're just not trying.



Here we see our Deagle partway through the conversion, surrounded by the many vital tools of the gunsmith's art. This operation was complex, and several times I wanted to go back to my other project of taking a gun at least thirty years old and shoving a bunch of RIS rails and AR accessories on it while pretending this is in some way a good idea, but I held firm.



The results were perfect; while the barrel length is an issue we'll return to, the extended clip is fitted and now our highly professional operator can share ammo between his main arm and his sidearm without worrying about compatibility or common sense getting in the way.

Last edited by Evil Tim; 08-03-2011 at 01:47 PM.
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:44 PM
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Now we turn our attention to optics. The regular iron sights are nice, but as with any sight, the operator might find his view of the world obscured by them in the vital moments while he aims at the nuclear reactor he's trying to assassinate. What we need on our offensive pistol is a system to ensure that the operator can sight in but still see the bigger picture, so I attached a current affairs magazine to the weapon.



I realised now we have one magazine (helpfully showing the difference between a clip and a magazine) we should have dual magazines, since videogames have clearly proven that there are no disadvantages to doing this whatsoever. So I attached a second magazine to the first using a jungle tape.



Now, our extended Deagle barrel is nice if we're facing regular old burglars or communists, but in today's world the ninja black ops operator is forced to face any number of threats which don't respond to such things, such as dinosaurs. With this in mind, I added a further barrel extension to make it properly effective as an offensive handgun.



Some might argue that this barrel is excessive for a handgun, but if your handgun doesn't fit in your holster, it's because you bought the wrong size holster, duh. No operator would ever make such a mistake.

Now, all we need to add is our ballistic computer, since obviously it's sub-optimal if the operator has to go all the way up to zombie bin Laden's moonbase in order to make a clear shot. That's not why he has an offensive handgun in his holster! So, I added the computer. As you can see, all the relevant data is already programmed in and the system is ready to use off the shelf.



I think you'll agree that this tactical offensive warfighting system is a force multiplier and should replace every pistol in the entire world right now.

Note: This is a parody of those "watch as I do hideous things to a (flip a coin) to make it TACTICAL because that's what a range toy needs" threads that crop up on gun forums a depressingly large amount (heads it's an SKS, tails it's a Saiga), and / or terrible videogame forum threads about what guns new games need which are filled with people who know everything about weapons despite knowing nothing about weapons. And no, nothing that happened on this site prompted this.
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Old 08-03-2011, 01:54 PM
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Old 08-03-2011, 06:30 PM
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What is it chambered in? 50mm depleted adamantium slugs or 45mm tungsten carbide sabots?
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Old 08-04-2011, 06:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by S&Wshooter View Post
What is it chambered in? 50mm depleted adamantium slugs or 45mm tungsten carbide sabots?
Well, now you're just being silly. This uses the original .50 BMG round that the basic Deagle does.

Anyway, I decided to load it up and give it a few shots. In went a clip of Hornady He'llbeinforaShok rocket-assisted HESH rounds, and a half-dozen shots later at a range of 10,000 yards, we have irrefutable proof of this weapon's greatness.



Plenty of guns can put all the rounds into one hole, but the Ultimate Offensive Pistol can put six rounds into no holes.
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Old 08-04-2011, 06:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Evil Tim View Post
Well, now you're just being silly. This uses the original .50 BMG round that the basic Deagle does.
My cousin's fiance's uncle's nephew carries the fully automatic version in an ankle holster when he is on SPEC OPS missions for the IRS
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Old 08-04-2011, 07:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by S&Wshooter View Post
My cousin's fiance's uncle's nephew carries the fully automatic version in an ankle holster when he is on SPEC OPS missions for the IRS
The IRS issues guns?
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Old 08-04-2011, 07:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swordfish941 View Post
The IRS issues guns?
Well sure, they've got to storm all those tax-evading mountain death fortresses somehow.
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Old 08-04-2011, 11:45 PM
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Old 08-05-2011, 11:12 PM
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It needs a heartbeat sensor.
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