Draft for review

[k9870]

maybe replace the marlboros, maybe with something to fit his nationality.

[Mandolin1]

The assaisin guy sounds Irish, so why not give him a Hi-Power of some sort? And give him wiskey in the flask, not scotch.

[Rockwolf66]

Ah Guys,
I already have the plot, the cast and their basic personalities framed up so additional characters are not needed. Currently I'm re-writing the draft about how Maria gets out of the place alive having just beaten the hell out of the son of a minor cartel head.


I'll give you a Hint

[Swordfish941]

Nice use of Woodstock footage. Anyway, you can use my assasin character in some other story. He's just an idea I'm kicking around. Please post the next part as soon as possible. I'm getting bored on this site because MPM2008hasn't posted any new gun pictures. And tell me what drugs that Juan does (I'm still guessing he's a crackhead).

[Rockwolf66]

next segment has been re-written and i am typing it up now.

[Rockwolf66]

Her first stop was the bathroom.Knocking open the faucet, she started scrubbing the blood off her hands. She had known Juan for over a decade and until a year ago they had been very close. She started to smile at the thought of his gentile hands carressing her young body. The smile stopped as a hand touched her shoulder.

"Don Tomasa." Maria said coldly. "There has been alot of bad blood between Juan and myself. It's been spilt and we are even now. He was once my friend and after i get him to the hospital, I'm going my own way."

"You're going nowhere." Don Tomasa ordered as he grabbed Maria and forced her to face him. His dark eyes burned with anger as he looked into her dead, green, eyes. He raised a hand to slap her across the face. His hand stopped when he felt the barrel of a pistol plant itself under his chin.

"I know you are angry. I can understand why. But if you think for a second I am going to let you hit me, then you are a fucking dead man." Maria rasped her voice tight with a cold fury. She led him into her bedroom and had him stand in a corner while she typed in a destruct code into her computer. She had installed a very complex explosive/incendiary device into the desktop's tower. She then slipped on a daypack and escorted Don Tomasa out. "Twenty minutes or less until detonation." She warned him.

Maria had been planning to leave the cartel ever sinse the incident with juan. Now it was a race against time to see if she could gather up the elements to her escape plan before the cartel found her. She had no illusions as to what would happen if the found her, she had watched enough people turned into mutilated chunks of meat.

They walked peacefully downstairs and out the front door. She hoped that the peace would last long enough for her to get away from the mansion. A quick look at the Ruger Mini-14 rifles in the hands of the security staff sugested otherwise. Maria left Don Tomasa on the steps and walked to a waiting Cadillack SUV. She spoke to the driver of the vehicle while looking at Juan still unconsious in the back. "Get out, I'm takeing Juan to the hospital."

She watched the driver reach the steps when she heard it. It being the "Viipppp!" of a bullet just missing her head. She ducked as the report rolled into the yard as she dove into the SUV and exited the other side. Ducking behind a cressent shaped flower bed she road out the first hail of bullets. Raising the revolver she was carrying she fired off the cylinder at the security people. She saw at least one drop down bloody as she ducked back down. As she felt around herself for more ammo she cursed. "Shit I'm out."

Don Tomasa felt sorry for his friend Emon as the man would soon be burrying his daughter. He ordered his security staff to get the rebelious girl as his phone rang. It wasn't one of the ring tones that he usually used. Insted it was Gunnery Sgt. Hartman's voice telling him to "Sound off like you got a pair."
Disturbed by the penatration of his personal security he answered the phone. A young woman's voice answered with what sounded like a biblical passage. "The path of the righteous woman is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is she, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for she is truly her sister's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my sisters. And you will know my name is the Crone when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
Maria was watching the security step onto the driveway when help struck them down. With the sound of a giant pissed off rattlesnake a lead rain fell on them. She watched the tracers pass through them and bounce off the asphalt. The men didn't stand a chance against the hail of bullets. She looked up to see a manta like Remote Piloted Vehicle appear as if a mirage. She had talked about a program she had wacthed about camoflage with Dominique. She giggled at the use that her friend had found for it. As the RPV passedoverhead it launched a missile at the sniper. Maria had a glimpse of the man trying to run as he vanished in a puff of dust.
As the RPV blew the front gate off it's hinges, maria got up and calmly dusted herself off. She casually walked to the drivers door of the SUV. Looking up at a shaken Don Tomasa, She said. "That's just like a Columbian to simply blow the shit out of everything."

[Swordfish941]

I think I'll use my assasin character in another of my stories. It's inspired by the film "The Limey". The Celt is now a retired hitman that used to work for the irish mob, and has found out that his girlfriend Courtney has been brutally raped and murdered. He's forced to come out of retirement and does an investagation of his own. He encounters a variety of characters including his former employer Sean Mulrooney, crackhead Miguel Lopez, pornographer Pete Smalls, and his two henchmen (nicknamed "Tweedledee" and "Tweedledum"). I'll replace his P239 with a Browning Hi-Power and his back up will be a Smith & Wesson Model 686 with a 3' inch barrel and Hogue rubber grips.