Draft for review

[Zulu Two Six]

VERY good
if you made it into a book you could guarantee i would read it
that is outstanding. very entertaining

[Rockwolf66]

It's a character introduction and part of me would like to do more with Dominique but it does help to explain why Maria left the cartel that she was conected to. Basically Maria has a rather bent moral center but there are things she finds wrong and juan's hard drug use is another issue.

As I'm limited as to how much i post here I'll wait for some more opinions while i work on the next segment.

[Swordfish941]

I imagine Juan to look like John Leguizamo. Does he do crack or any hard drugs (I think he smokes crack). Can I make a suggstion for a gun that Juan could carry? I reccomend the Ruger P94 (it kind of fits his character).

[Swordfish941]

I have a suggestion for a character. The character's name is Elijah "The Celt" McGrath. He's an assasin hired by the cartel. He's a queit fellow who chain smokes Marlboro's and carries a flask of scotch in his coat pocket. His main weapons are a two-toned Sig Sauer P239 fitted with and without a suppressor and a Smith & Wesson 6906 (kept in his waistband). He wears an overcoat with a pair of Reebok sneakers. Please consider using him in any part of the story.

[k9870]

maybe replace the marlboros, maybe with something to fit his nationality.

[Mandolin1]

The assaisin guy sounds Irish, so why not give him a Hi-Power of some sort? And give him wiskey in the flask, not scotch.

[Rockwolf66]

Ah Guys,
I already have the plot, the cast and their basic personalities framed up so additional characters are not needed. Currently I'm re-writing the draft about how Maria gets out of the place alive having just beaten the hell out of the son of a minor cartel head.


I'll give you a Hint