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k9870 12-29-2009 12:33 AM

Got any sample writing?

Swordfish941 12-29-2009 08:30 PM

I do have the scene where Greg meets Nolan (I haven't written it down yet but I have it in my head). Here it is:

Greg walked into the hangar and sat down on a crate. His head was swimming and he felt like vomiting. It was probaly from the ride on the helicopter. He never been in one before. Infact, the only time he had ever taken air transportation was when he had travel from Liverpool to Joburg when he was four.

"First timer?"

"What?"

"First time ever riding in one of those things?" said a man of Greg's height and age. He had brown hair (kept in a crew cut) and a stuble beard. He had a Molle vest on with a pair of grey cargo pants and brown boots. He sat down next to Greg and took a sip from a canteen. "Here, this will clear your head." the man said handing it to Greg.

"What's in this?"

"Just some ice water, nothing fancy. Name's Nolan, what's yours?"

"Greg. Greg Archer."

"Nice to meet you Mr. Archer."

Greg finished off the canteen and handed it back to him. He looked down and notice that Nolan was carrying a rifle. It looked like a R5, but it had a handguard made of wood. Plus it had some sort of compensator on the muzzle.

"Nice piece of work you got there."

"Oh this? This took me a while to built. It's a 5.56mm Kalashniklov, Chinese made. I've see you have an American made rifle."

"Yeah. I preffer foriegn rifles."

"I reckon that you're no soldier, so you're probaly a mercinary."

"Indeed I am. I got a message from the commander of this base. Offered me a nice sum if I fight off the Renamo rebels near him."

Alcatrazz 12-29-2009 08:37 PM

A couple misspellings, and your characters seem flat. Otherwise, seems realistic.

Swordfish941 12-29-2009 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alcatrazz (Post 10127)
A couple misspellings, and your characters seem flat. Otherwise, seems realistic.

What do you mean by flat?

Alcatrazz 12-29-2009 09:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swordfish941 (Post 10128)
What do you mean by flat?

They sort of seem artificial, more like information dispensers than actual living, breathing humans.

Swordfish941 12-29-2009 11:36 PM

Here's a scene where Greg's group and Nolan's group are having dinner:

The men sat themselves down at a table. Greg and his group sat on the left while Nolan's group sat on the right. Thier meal was steak, burnt, crisp, and hard as a rock with lumpy mashed potatoes covered in a bitter tasting gravy, green beans, and water to drink. Tapioca pudding was served as dessert. Overall, the meal was a meager and unpleasent one.

"You know, I wished they served better stuff besides this shit." Rocco complained, finally giving up on cutting his steak. "I bet those higher ranking officiers are having a gourment meal. They're probally drinking wine, smokin' Cubans, and feasting on fresh, juicy Sirloin."

"You're talking out of your ass, Rocco. They're having the same meal." Ares replied, helping himself to another serving of Tapioca pudding (probaly being the only one there who enjoyed it).

"Yeah, I mean, the green beans aren't that bad." said Tic-Tac.

"Ares could cook something better this. He's our cook." Greg said reaching into his pocket for a cigarrette. "His Da owns a bar and grille in East London. He taught him the basics of cookin'."

Swordfish941 12-31-2009 11:32 PM

Does anyone have any ideas for some action sequences in the Mozambique arc. I have a basic idea of what I want to be like (after watching the shootout between the Nigerians and the PMC/mercenaries in "District 9"). I need some scenes to happen after Greg is rescued.

S&Wshooter 01-01-2010 03:09 AM

something involving a helicopter

Alcatrazz 01-01-2010 06:12 AM

To elaborate, a chase with the protagonists in an automobile while taking fire from foes in a helicopter. Give the foes small arms, and give the the protagonists one working explosive.

S&Wshooter 01-01-2010 07:10 AM

And then have them pull a Die Hard and destroy the helicopter by knocking it out of the sky with their car (which has the explosive strapped to it)

Swordfish941 01-01-2010 07:22 AM

I'm sorry S&Wshooter, but I'm trying to keep the action as realistic as possible. I need something that involves the apartment building the mercenaries are hiding in and the rebels who are trying to get them out. These are good ideas, though.

S&Wshooter 01-01-2010 07:26 AM

How about the helicopter crashing into the building, driving the baddies outside into what can only be described as wholesale slaughter?

S&Wshooter 01-01-2010 07:39 AM

OR the helicopter could smash into the rebels, killing most of them.

k9870 01-01-2010 03:30 PM

Maybe they need to find a way to steal the chopper in order to escape.

Swordfish941 01-04-2010 02:53 PM

I think the only time a helicopter will come into the story is when they need transportation. I was thinking of the Renamo rebels firing a anti-tank rocket launcher at the building, and if that fails, they would fire tear gas canisters into the windows (from thier FAL's).

Swordfish941 01-04-2010 05:16 PM

Do you think Greg's team of mercenaries should carry a secondary weapon (besides thier sidearms)? I think Ares should carry his MP5A2 in addition to his M4 Carbine (he gives the MP5 to Rocco after he runs out of ammunition for his M16). Does anyone have any suggestions for secondary weapons (Greg doesn't need one)?


(God, I'm being a burden)

Swordfish941 01-20-2010 09:18 PM

I haven't been working on my book because I'm working on this Tolkien-ish fantasy story. But I will work on it. Anyway, here's the scene where the crew land in the city:

Greg hopped out of the chopper and onto the ground followed by Ares, Rocco, and Johnny. He then scanned the sorrounding area for enemies. There were none in sight, but he scanned the rooftops and windows incase if they were hiding. The place looked like God had send his wrath specifically on this little town. Two small shops were caved in by rubble, and most of the dwellings were deserted and dilapitated.

He motioned Ares and Johnny to go forward. They did then scanned the area some more. Ares looked back at him and made an "OK" sign with his thumb and index finger.

"Alright boys, this street shows no signs of Renam-"

He saw something in the back of his eye. On an apartment balcony, there stood a man with a bandana on his head and in a black tank top holding a semiautomatic, russian made carbine, aimed at him. He was probaly Renamo, no, definately Renamo.

"GET DOWN! GET ON THE GODDAMN GROUND!"

Greg felled flat on his stomach, aimed at the balcony, and fired a burst from his rifle. It hit the rebel right on his chest, the impact of the bullets pushing him back. Suddenly, another rebel appeared in a flash and throwed a Molotov at Ares' and Johnny's direction. It landed on a car that was very close to them, but they backed off far away from it.

"We need to move! We need to find those soldiers!" screamed Ares firing his rifle at another enemy posistion near a coffee shop. Suddenly, a pickup tuck carrying seven men, all armed to the teeth appeared out of nowhere. All of the men got out and fired at them.


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