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Rockwolf66 04-07-2010 09:52 PM

Draft for review
Hey All. I know it's been a while but I have some fragments of drafts of my story for your review. Let me know what you all think.


Maria slipped on a blue blouse and looked towards her computer. the background had changed from a green and yellow "Hencho en Mexico" eagles head logo to a game of domino's. It was a friend letting her know that they wanted to talk. What Dominique wanted to talk about was the question. Maria switched the image back to her choice and a window opened on the computer. An attractive, light skinned Latina's face filled it. "Hola mi chica, cómo está?"
"Good." Maria answered surprised that Dominique was up to chatting. Domino had something called a neural net interface system surgically implanted into her head the previous month. "E tu mi cuqueria."
"So what're you worried about?"
"You, my friend, I'm reading something very bad heading your way."
"No shit?" Maria questioned. "Juan came home really pissed off a couple days ago. Right when that cop's family got hit. what a Fucking mess"
"It's worse than that, the cop's wife worked for the DIA. She is an intelligence agent for the US Government."
"So she was Jane Bond or something?"
" The or something is what you have to worry about. the Defense Intelligence Agency is Military not Civilian."
"So what's going to happen, the US makes diplomatic noises and everything goes back to normal."
"No, in this case they are letting the dogs loose." Dominique answered. "You're one of the people who may fall onto the list of targets as they think that the Boca Grande, were the ones who did it."
"What the fuck?" Maria replied. "Juan couldn't be that god damned stupid."
"They have a recording of Juan talking with one of the shooters." Dominique looked worried. "You are our friend and we do not want to see you die. I advise you to pack your bags and get clear."
"Ayee!" Maria exclaimed. She knew by first hand experience that the Cartel would hunt her down if she left. the lucky ones ended up in a ditch with their brains blown out. "So what else do you have to tell me?"
"I have resurrected your birth ID."
"So you want me to become a mojado." Maria responded chuckling. "You have a strange sense of humor."
"Maria, Mi muchacha, we care and it is getting ugly no matter what you do so head to less hostile ground."
"You do know that they have gringo's taking the Don's silver?" Maria asked.
"You are referring to..." Dominique answered giving Maria the name of a corrupt US official. "Or is he a mordelone, for someone else?"
"I never told you that." Maria replied feeling surprised that Dominique knew exactly who was being paid off.
"Joys of resent access to a US Government computer system." Dominique explained." With what just happened you are going to end up fucked."
Maria cringed at Dominique's remark. She had been assaulted more times than she cared to think about and Dominique's words were just another reminder. She realized that Dominique was just trying to get her attention, but it still hurt inside. Cringing at the unwelcome smell of the calimocho, they used to drink before he molested her, Maria returned to the present.
"What did I say?" Dominique asked instantly noticing the expression of disgust on Maria's face.
"Nothing, it was just a ghost."
"Bad memory of what was done to you?"
"Maria, Mí amiga. Look at yourself. You're in a bad relationship and you don't really want to be in it. Do you? How long will it be before you have enough and leave? You are not intended to be hanging out with that…" Dominique stopped as if she didn't have the word to describe Juan.
"What do you think I've been planning on doing, you emotional twit." Maria said in condescending tone. "I have a bail-out bag packed and I just need to do a couple things before I go."
"Just hurry up as I don't think that you want to be around when Uncle Sugar finishes lacing up his stomping boots."
Maria had a laugh at Dominique's remark. The bag had been started as soon as she had recovered from the beating that Juan had given her. Juan had been hurt while hunting wild pigs with a knife, and it turned out that the pain medicine he had been put on made him loco. It wasn't that she really hated Juan for the beating, or even the proceeding rape. It was just that she felt that she didn't belong, She wasn't Mexican per se, and although born in Los Estados Unidos, was she really a Norte Americano?
A cold, wet nose pressed into her bare arm. Looking over she noticed Berto, a male pit bull, sitting impatiently by her chair. Noticing the rather urgent look on the canine's face she turned back to the computer. " Dominique I'm sorry but I have to go. Nature is calling Berto."
"Just think hard about what I said." Dominique answered. " Take care of yourself, Maria."
"E tu, beibi." She said as she turned her attention to the dog. Berto had been injured while taking part in one of Juan's little pig hunts. Juan used dogs to distract the pig long enough for him to get close enough to use his hunting knife. Whatever else Juan was, pimp, drug runner, total idiot at times, he had cojones. If it wasn't for his womanizing, Maria was willing to stay with the young man. What he was doing for Raquel was helping in that regard. Maria's friend had gotten herself pregnant and her boyfriend had run off. Juan had so far made sure that Raquel's doctor bills were paid in full.
Maria slipped the strap of her shoulder bag over her head. Hanging on a peg by the door was a leash. She attached it to Berto's collar. Opening her door she had a view of Juan's door straight down the hall. The Hacienda itself was a U shape with the second story closer to a H. Juan's parents lived on the other side of the building. As it was Raquel was slipping into Juan's room to serve him his breakfast. Maria gave her a wave. Making a left into the gallery hallway She almost ran into a guard. There was a moment of fumbling as his Ruger Mini-14 slipped off his shoulder and he managed to catch it before it hit the ground.
"Excuse me seniorita." The guard, Salvador, said trying to apologize." I didn't mean to be in your way."
"No problemo, Salvador." Maria replied. "I have el grande perro and he wants to go outside."
They shared a laugh at that statement. While Berto was not that big as dogs went he was still over half Maria's size. The merriment was cut short by a commotion from Juan's room.
Turning towards Juan's door Maria saw Raquel stagger out and heard Juan yelling from inside. Raquel was in bad shape with her bright red blood staining her white blouse and her dark Indio features an ashen gray hue. Darting to her friend Maria pulled Raquel's hand away from the wound just long enough to see that it was a large stab wound like what a hunting knife would make. If Raquel made it to a hospital fast, both she and her unborn child would survive.
"Salvador, we need to get Raquel to a hospital now." Maria said urgently. "She's been stabbed with a large knife."
"Who would…" Salvador started to ask when the answer walked out of his door.
Juan's eyes were glazed over in anger and his face flush with rage. He was muttering something that Maria couldn't understand. The blood on the arm of his Pajamas and the hunting knife in his hand she could understand well.
Reaching into her bag, Maria grabbed the head of a 3 cell AA Maglite. She wished she had el alacrán with her. While she had called Juan a friend at one time, he was no longer her friend. Maria wished she could just shoot him and get it over with. What little hand to hand combat training she had told her that to go unarmed against a knife was stupid.
"Juan, it's me Maria, please put the knife down."
Juan's response was to focus on her. "Why should I? You don't tell me what to do."
"Juan, you need to put the knife down." Maria repeated, trying to get him to see reason.
"No! Mi cago en tu punta madre!" Juan replied, telling Maria he shit on her whoring mother.
"I'm surprised that you can even shit, maricón." Maria answered back with an insult." I've seen the size of the strap on that Punta uses on your ass."
Juan stepped towards her, his thrust was smooth. Maria chopped her flashlight into his wrist, parrying the deadly thrust. The blow cracked his radius and shattered his Trapezium bone. Resulting in the knife flying out of Juan's hand. She followed up by whipping the shaft of the flashlight at his head. Juan barely reacted fast enough to put his undamaged left hand in the way. He threw a knee kick into her ribs. The blow sent her staggering, but at least he was unarmed. Maria parried a left hook and managed to grab his wrist. Taking the opportunity she chopped away at his left arm. The steel shaft of her flashlight bruised muscle and cracked bone. Juan responded by whipping her into a wall, nearly knocking her breathless. Her counter attack was devastating. She kicked Juan's right knee, her foot impacting his patella. The blow did massive damage to the join, tendons and ligaments torn and the patella itself turned 90° . As soon as the kick connected Maria slammed her cupped palms over his ears, painfully blowing out both of Juan's eardrums. She then dug her fingernails in behind his ears and used then to steady his head while she head butted him in the nose. The head butt knocked Maria loopy, when she cleared her head she found Juan's battered body lying on the floor.
Looking down at her hands she realized that she had something in her right hand. She turned the brown, rubbery C-shaped thing over in her hands. The realization that it was a human ear hit her and she threw it onto Juan's body and ran.

Zulu Two Six 04-08-2010 01:51 AM

VERY good
if you made it into a book you could guarantee i would read it
that is outstanding. very entertaining

Rockwolf66 04-08-2010 04:11 AM

It's a character introduction and part of me would like to do more with Dominique but it does help to explain why Maria left the cartel that she was conected to. Basically Maria has a rather bent moral center but there are things she finds wrong and juan's hard drug use is another issue.

As I'm limited as to how much i post here I'll wait for some more opinions while i work on the next segment.

Swordfish941 04-12-2010 12:57 AM

I imagine Juan to look like John Leguizamo. Does he do crack or any hard drugs (I think he smokes crack). Can I make a suggstion for a gun that Juan could carry? I reccomend the Ruger P94 (it kind of fits his character).

Swordfish941 04-14-2010 09:39 PM

I have a suggestion for a character. The character's name is Elijah "The Celt" McGrath. He's an assasin hired by the cartel. He's a queit fellow who chain smokes Marlboro's and carries a flask of scotch in his coat pocket. His main weapons are a two-toned Sig Sauer P239 fitted with and without a suppressor and a Smith & Wesson 6906 (kept in his waistband). He wears an overcoat with a pair of Reebok sneakers. Please consider using him in any part of the story.

k9870 04-14-2010 10:49 PM

maybe replace the marlboros, maybe with something to fit his nationality.

Mandolin1 04-14-2010 11:21 PM

The assaisin guy sounds Irish, so why not give him a Hi-Power of some sort? And give him wiskey in the flask, not scotch.

Rockwolf66 04-14-2010 11:40 PM

Ah Guys,
I already have the plot, the cast and their basic personalities framed up so additional characters are not needed. Currently I'm re-writing the draft about how Maria gets out of the place alive having just beaten the hell out of the son of a minor cartel head.

I'll give you a Hint

Swordfish941 04-15-2010 12:41 AM

Nice use of Woodstock footage. Anyway, you can use my assasin character in some other story. He's just an idea I'm kicking around. Please post the next part as soon as possible. I'm getting bored on this site because MPM2008hasn't posted any new gun pictures. And tell me what drugs that Juan does (I'm still guessing he's a crackhead).:)

Rockwolf66 04-16-2010 12:22 AM

next segment has been re-written and i am typing it up now.

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