|
Draft for review
Hey All. I know it's been a while but I have some fragments of drafts of my story for your review. Let me know what you all think.
Amore Maria slipped on a blue blouse and looked towards her computer. the background had changed from a green and yellow "Hencho en Mexico" eagles head logo to a game of domino's. It was a friend letting her know that they wanted to talk. What Dominique wanted to talk about was the question. Maria switched the image back to her choice and a window opened on the computer. An attractive, light skinned Latina's face filled it. "Hola mi chica, cómo está?" "Good." Maria answered surprised that Dominique was up to chatting. Domino had something called a neural net interface system surgically implanted into her head the previous month. "E tu mi cuqueria." "Preocupato." "So what're you worried about?" "You, my friend, I'm reading something very bad heading your way." "No shit?" Maria questioned. "Juan came home really pissed off a couple days ago. Right when that cop's family got hit. what a Fucking mess" "It's worse than that, the cop's wife worked for the DIA. She is an intelligence agent for the US Government." "So she was Jane Bond or something?" " The or something is what you have to worry about. the Defense Intelligence Agency is Military not Civilian." "So what's going to happen, the US makes diplomatic noises and everything goes back to normal." "No, in this case they are letting the dogs loose." Dominique answered. "You're one of the people who may fall onto the list of targets as they think that the Boca Grande, were the ones who did it." "What the fuck?" Maria replied. "Juan couldn't be that god damned stupid." "They have a recording of Juan talking with one of the shooters." Dominique looked worried. "You are our friend and we do not want to see you die. I advise you to pack your bags and get clear." "Ayee!" Maria exclaimed. She knew by first hand experience that the Cartel would hunt her down if she left. the lucky ones ended up in a ditch with their brains blown out. "So what else do you have to tell me?" "I have resurrected your birth ID." "So you want me to become a mojado." Maria responded chuckling. "You have a strange sense of humor." "Maria, Mi muchacha, we care and it is getting ugly no matter what you do so head to less hostile ground." "You do know that they have gringo's taking the Don's silver?" Maria asked. "You are referring to..." Dominique answered giving Maria the name of a corrupt US official. "Or is he a mordelone, for someone else?" "I never told you that." Maria replied feeling surprised that Dominique knew exactly who was being paid off. "Joys of resent access to a US Government computer system." Dominique explained." With what just happened you are going to end up fucked." Maria cringed at Dominique's remark. She had been assaulted more times than she cared to think about and Dominique's words were just another reminder. She realized that Dominique was just trying to get her attention, but it still hurt inside. Cringing at the unwelcome smell of the calimocho, they used to drink before he molested her, Maria returned to the present. "What did I say?" Dominique asked instantly noticing the expression of disgust on Maria's face. "Nothing, it was just a ghost." "Bad memory of what was done to you?" "Sí." "Maria, Mí amiga. Look at yourself. You're in a bad relationship and you don't really want to be in it. Do you? How long will it be before you have enough and leave? You are not intended to be hanging out with that…" Dominique stopped as if she didn't have the word to describe Juan. "What do you think I've been planning on doing, you emotional twit." Maria said in condescending tone. "I have a bail-out bag packed and I just need to do a couple things before I go." "Just hurry up as I don't think that you want to be around when Uncle Sugar finishes lacing up his stomping boots." Maria had a laugh at Dominique's remark. The bag had been started as soon as she had recovered from the beating that Juan had given her. Juan had been hurt while hunting wild pigs with a knife, and it turned out that the pain medicine he had been put on made him loco. It wasn't that she really hated Juan for the beating, or even the proceeding rape. It was just that she felt that she didn't belong, She wasn't Mexican per se, and although born in Los Estados Unidos, was she really a Norte Americano? A cold, wet nose pressed into her bare arm. Looking over she noticed Berto, a male pit bull, sitting impatiently by her chair. Noticing the rather urgent look on the canine's face she turned back to the computer. " Dominique I'm sorry but I have to go. Nature is calling Berto." "Just think hard about what I said." Dominique answered. " Take care of yourself, Maria." "E tu, beibi." She said as she turned her attention to the dog. Berto had been injured while taking part in one of Juan's little pig hunts. Juan used dogs to distract the pig long enough for him to get close enough to use his hunting knife. Whatever else Juan was, pimp, drug runner, total idiot at times, he had cojones. If it wasn't for his womanizing, Maria was willing to stay with the young man. What he was doing for Raquel was helping in that regard. Maria's friend had gotten herself pregnant and her boyfriend had run off. Juan had so far made sure that Raquel's doctor bills were paid in full. Maria slipped the strap of her shoulder bag over her head. Hanging on a peg by the door was a leash. She attached it to Berto's collar. Opening her door she had a view of Juan's door straight down the hall. The Hacienda itself was a U shape with the second story closer to a H. Juan's parents lived on the other side of the building. As it was Raquel was slipping into Juan's room to serve him his breakfast. Maria gave her a wave. Making a left into the gallery hallway She almost ran into a guard. There was a moment of fumbling as his Ruger Mini-14 slipped off his shoulder and he managed to catch it before it hit the ground. "Excuse me seniorita." The guard, Salvador, said trying to apologize." I didn't mean to be in your way." "No problemo, Salvador." Maria replied. "I have el grande perro and he wants to go outside." They shared a laugh at that statement. While Berto was not that big as dogs went he was still over half Maria's size. The merriment was cut short by a commotion from Juan's room. Turning towards Juan's door Maria saw Raquel stagger out and heard Juan yelling from inside. Raquel was in bad shape with her bright red blood staining her white blouse and her dark Indio features an ashen gray hue. Darting to her friend Maria pulled Raquel's hand away from the wound just long enough to see that it was a large stab wound like what a hunting knife would make. If Raquel made it to a hospital fast, both she and her unborn child would survive. "Salvador, we need to get Raquel to a hospital now." Maria said urgently. "She's been stabbed with a large knife." "Who would…" Salvador started to ask when the answer walked out of his door. Juan's eyes were glazed over in anger and his face flush with rage. He was muttering something that Maria couldn't understand. The blood on the arm of his Pajamas and the hunting knife in his hand she could understand well. Reaching into her bag, Maria grabbed the head of a 3 cell AA Maglite. She wished she had el alacrán with her. While she had called Juan a friend at one time, he was no longer her friend. Maria wished she could just shoot him and get it over with. What little hand to hand combat training she had told her that to go unarmed against a knife was stupid. "Juan, it's me Maria, please put the knife down." Juan's response was to focus on her. "Why should I? You don't tell me what to do." "Juan, you need to put the knife down." Maria repeated, trying to get him to see reason. "No! Mi cago en tu punta madre!" Juan replied, telling Maria he shit on her whoring mother. "I'm surprised that you can even shit, maricón." Maria answered back with an insult." I've seen the size of the strap on that Punta uses on your ass." Juan stepped towards her, his thrust was smooth. Maria chopped her flashlight into his wrist, parrying the deadly thrust. The blow cracked his radius and shattered his Trapezium bone. Resulting in the knife flying out of Juan's hand. She followed up by whipping the shaft of the flashlight at his head. Juan barely reacted fast enough to put his undamaged left hand in the way. He threw a knee kick into her ribs. The blow sent her staggering, but at least he was unarmed. Maria parried a left hook and managed to grab his wrist. Taking the opportunity she chopped away at his left arm. The steel shaft of her flashlight bruised muscle and cracked bone. Juan responded by whipping her into a wall, nearly knocking her breathless. Her counter attack was devastating. She kicked Juan's right knee, her foot impacting his patella. The blow did massive damage to the join, tendons and ligaments torn and the patella itself turned 90° . As soon as the kick connected Maria slammed her cupped palms over his ears, painfully blowing out both of Juan's eardrums. She then dug her fingernails in behind his ears and used then to steady his head while she head butted him in the nose. The head butt knocked Maria loopy, when she cleared her head she found Juan's battered body lying on the floor. Looking down at her hands she realized that she had something in her right hand. She turned the brown, rubbery C-shaped thing over in her hands. The realization that it was a human ear hit her and she threw it onto Juan's body and ran. |
VERY good
if you made it into a book you could guarantee i would read it that is outstanding. very entertaining |
It's a character introduction and part of me would like to do more with Dominique but it does help to explain why Maria left the cartel that she was conected to. Basically Maria has a rather bent moral center but there are things she finds wrong and juan's hard drug use is another issue.
As I'm limited as to how much i post here I'll wait for some more opinions while i work on the next segment. |
I imagine Juan to look like John Leguizamo. Does he do crack or any hard drugs (I think he smokes crack). Can I make a suggstion for a gun that Juan could carry? I reccomend the Ruger P94 (it kind of fits his character).
|
I have a suggestion for a character. The character's name is Elijah "The Celt" McGrath. He's an assasin hired by the cartel. He's a queit fellow who chain smokes Marlboro's and carries a flask of scotch in his coat pocket. His main weapons are a two-toned Sig Sauer P239 fitted with and without a suppressor and a Smith & Wesson 6906 (kept in his waistband). He wears an overcoat with a pair of Reebok sneakers. Please consider using him in any part of the story.
|
maybe replace the marlboros, maybe with something to fit his nationality.
|
The assaisin guy sounds Irish, so why not give him a Hi-Power of some sort? And give him wiskey in the flask, not scotch.
|
Ah Guys,
I already have the plot, the cast and their basic personalities framed up so additional characters are not needed. Currently I'm re-writing the draft about how Maria gets out of the place alive having just beaten the hell out of the son of a minor cartel head. I'll give you a Hint |
Nice use of Woodstock footage. Anyway, you can use my assasin character in some other story. He's just an idea I'm kicking around. Please post the next part as soon as possible. I'm getting bored on this site because MPM2008hasn't posted any new gun pictures. And tell me what drugs that Juan does (I'm still guessing he's a crackhead).:)
|
next segment has been re-written and i am typing it up now.
|
Her first stop was the bathroom.Knocking open the faucet, she started scrubbing the blood off her hands. She had known Juan for over a decade and until a year ago they had been very close. She started to smile at the thought of his gentile hands carressing her young body. The smile stopped as a hand touched her shoulder.
"Don Tomasa." Maria said coldly. "There has been alot of bad blood between Juan and myself. It's been spilt and we are even now. He was once my friend and after i get him to the hospital, I'm going my own way." "You're going nowhere." Don Tomasa ordered as he grabbed Maria and forced her to face him. His dark eyes burned with anger as he looked into her dead, green, eyes. He raised a hand to slap her across the face. His hand stopped when he felt the barrel of a pistol plant itself under his chin. "I know you are angry. I can understand why. But if you think for a second I am going to let you hit me, then you are a fucking dead man." Maria rasped her voice tight with a cold fury. She led him into her bedroom and had him stand in a corner while she typed in a destruct code into her computer. She had installed a very complex explosive/incendiary device into the desktop's tower. She then slipped on a daypack and escorted Don Tomasa out. "Twenty minutes or less until detonation." She warned him. Maria had been planning to leave the cartel ever sinse the incident with juan. Now it was a race against time to see if she could gather up the elements to her escape plan before the cartel found her. She had no illusions as to what would happen if the found her, she had watched enough people turned into mutilated chunks of meat. They walked peacefully downstairs and out the front door. She hoped that the peace would last long enough for her to get away from the mansion. A quick look at the Ruger Mini-14 rifles in the hands of the security staff sugested otherwise. Maria left Don Tomasa on the steps and walked to a waiting Cadillack SUV. She spoke to the driver of the vehicle while looking at Juan still unconsious in the back. "Get out, I'm takeing Juan to the hospital." She watched the driver reach the steps when she heard it. It being the "Viipppp!" of a bullet just missing her head. She ducked as the report rolled into the yard as she dove into the SUV and exited the other side. Ducking behind a cressent shaped flower bed she road out the first hail of bullets. Raising the revolver she was carrying she fired off the cylinder at the security people. She saw at least one drop down bloody as she ducked back down. As she felt around herself for more ammo she cursed. "Shit I'm out." Don Tomasa felt sorry for his friend Emon as the man would soon be burrying his daughter. He ordered his security staff to get the rebelious girl as his phone rang. It wasn't one of the ring tones that he usually used. Insted it was Gunnery Sgt. Hartman's voice telling him to "Sound off like you got a pair." Disturbed by the penatration of his personal security he answered the phone. A young woman's voice answered with what sounded like a biblical passage. "The path of the righteous woman is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is she, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for she is truly her sister's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my sisters. And you will know my name is the Crone when I lay my vengeance upon thee." Maria was watching the security step onto the driveway when help struck them down. With the sound of a giant pissed off rattlesnake a lead rain fell on them. She watched the tracers pass through them and bounce off the asphalt. The men didn't stand a chance against the hail of bullets. She looked up to see a manta like Remote Piloted Vehicle appear as if a mirage. She had talked about a program she had wacthed about camoflage with Dominique. She giggled at the use that her friend had found for it. As the RPV passedoverhead it launched a missile at the sniper. Maria had a glimpse of the man trying to run as he vanished in a puff of dust. As the RPV blew the front gate off it's hinges, maria got up and calmly dusted herself off. She casually walked to the drivers door of the SUV. Looking up at a shaken Don Tomasa, She said. "That's just like a Columbian to simply blow the shit out of everything." |
I think I'll use my assasin character in another of my stories. It's inspired by the film "The Limey". The Celt is now a retired hitman that used to work for the irish mob, and has found out that his girlfriend Courtney has been brutally raped and murdered. He's forced to come out of retirement and does an investagation of his own. He encounters a variety of characters including his former employer Sean Mulrooney, crackhead Miguel Lopez, pornographer Pete Smalls, and his two henchmen (nicknamed "Tweedledee" and "Tweedledum"). I'll replace his P239 with a Browning Hi-Power and his back up will be a Smith & Wesson Model 686 with a 3' inch barrel and Hogue rubber grips.
|
Quote:
|
Quote:
|
Ok back on the topic here.
*** “Buenos Dias, Padre.” Maria spoke into the phone. “You are in a world of shit.” “What the fuck are you doing Maria?” Her father responded. “ this is an open god damned line!” “Sending a message to the world.” Maria answered. “I’m through with working for you. No more doing little jobs for me, Da. No more dealing with people who would rather have their way with me than treat me as a human fucking being! No more dealing with a father who looks the other way as his own flesh and blood is violated!” “Maria, lets talk about this.” “How ‘bout you fuck off, eat shit and die. You’ve never cared one way or another about me before so it’s a bit late to start padre.” “What happened?” Her father asked.” You at least owe me that much.” “What happened! What happened! Juan fucked up badly. He’s involved in that hit that went bad up north. I have a source who has the fucking phone conversation that Juan made with the hitter. Now there are people coming to…” “Maria stop for a second.” Her father ordered. “How the hell do you have a friend who can get encrypted phone transcripts?” “You never took care of me, so I had to take care of myself. I have my own little safety net. One of them sent me the word today and it’s all bad.” “What do you mean, bad?” “Pablo Fucking Escobar ring a bell, Daddy?” Maria answered pronouncing the last word like a curse. “Escobar, so who’s going to hunt us down and kill us?” Her father stated, remembering the famous drug lord who was hunted down and killed. “I’ve got word that the uncle of the family Juan hit has called out a very nasty dog.” Maria replied. “Maria, what is going on with you!?! Her father yelled. Maria hung up on him. She didn’t feel like taking anymore of his bullshit. Besides if the woman called Fenris, was real then she was in deep trouble. She had grown up around people with colorful knicknames and there was a simple rule about those who kept them. Those who kept their own knickname were usually the ones who walked the walk. Now anyone could call themselves say "Scary Bastard" but unless they lived up to the knickname people would start calling them "chickenshit motherfucker". As far as the woman who someone had dubbed Fenris,child of Loki, Beast of Ragnarok, Maria didn’t think that the person was jokeing. The trio of veteranos lying dead by the Cadillac SUV, she had been using spoke volumes. They had been shot by someone using a .22. While the round was extremely common the way the punks were shot was professional. Each of them was shot twice in the head, before they could use their weapons. The neighors hadn't heard a thing and the street was quiet. That usually meant that it was a suppressed handgun. One of them she recognized as Diego Estrada, a low level enforcer for Juan’s organization. Maria remembered him because Juan had rewarded Estrada with a suppressed .380 Ingram Model-11 of his own. Maria had quickly searched the body and found it on him. She tossed it under the driver's seat took off. Her next stop was a mailbox center. Inside she searched the mailboxes until she found one in particular. Carefully she spun the dial on the combination lock. Maria pulled out the plain looking Manila envelope she found inside. She shut the mailbox and drove three blocks before opening the envelope. Inside was a trucker’s wallet, an American passport and a letter. Maria checked the wallet, and found it contained everything she needed to be identified as a citizen of the United States of America. Also inside the wallet was $1,000 in various US bills. Maria smiled at the courtesy of Isabella and Dominique. Most people wouldn't think to provide travel money. Not that Maria really needed it just yet. She stopped after an hour of cross country driving. She was on a hill just Southeast of Camel mountain overlooking the border. She had just buried the firearms next to a large bolder. As far as weapons went all she had was the .357 magnum. Maria would have buried it too but she knew that she would have to defend herself at some future point. She read the writing on the barrel “STURM RUGER & CO INC SOUTHPORT CONN USA” and on the other side was “RUGER GP100 .357 MAGNUM CAL”. She thumbed the catch on the left of the frame and swung out the cylinder. It took a tap on the ejector rod to drop six 158 grain jacketed hollow points into her hands. Maria looked over the cartridges looking for any obvious flaws in the rounds. She realized that she held six lives in her hand. People had committed murder for her and she didn't even know them in person. There were two people out there who knew who she was and knew what she had done yet they still helped her. She then realized that in helping her they themselves had dipped down to her moral level. The sobering thought made her sick. Bending over at the waist she discovered how bad apples tasted coming back up. She ended up dry heaving on her knees. She coughed a couple times and spat out the foul taste from her mouth. “Damn you! fucking damn you! You damn fucking bastard!” Maria cursed God, heaven, and all the angels that she could remember. “Mi hija de Diablo, I am the devil’s daughter. I fucking hate your ass. If I ever see you I am going to kill your ass.” She felt empty after her rage against heaven. Her anger vented in the tirade against the divine. Her half forgotten values and those morals that her mother had given her dwelled in her mind. Maria made up her mind and stood up. She raised her left hand and touched her forehead. Her hand then traveled between her legs over to her right hip and across to her left hip. She then spoke two words: “Hail Satan.” |
Why yes maria is a pissed off teenager at this point in her life. Currently she's saying and doing things out of emotion an not really thinking about the long term. Thankfully Johnny is showing up soon and someone is going to find out that there is alot more to religion than she thinks.
|
Can you describe what Johnny looks like?
|
Quote:
Here's Johnny http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z...hopstreet2.jpg And Maria http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z...riamurphy2.jpg as a bonus I'll toss in a more recent image of Maria and Erica http://i188.photobucket.com/albums/z...DarklordDC.jpg The Artist who did the Images is DarklordDC |
That digital creation of Johnny reminds me of Johnny Depp and Maria reminds me of Mila Kunis. When does Johnny come into the story?
|
First off,
I am re-writing Johnny's introduction now. It's part of the next story segment. As far as Johnny's look it's supost to be more along the lines of an old western Gunfighter brought into the 21st century. Origionally he was described as looking alot like Dante from Death Machine. Personality wise he's a pretty likable guy but he is missing parts of a normal personality and that makes him very dangerous. Maria on the other hand is small and cute in a society where small and cute means Target. Thus she has learned to be very vicious when she thinks that she needs to be. These traits while not apropriate for everyday life do have their uses. Fortunatly for our protagonists they are intelligent enough to choose when to express these traits. In essence they are the rough people who watch over those who sleep soundly in their beds. |
So what is Johnny's main gun? Maria has her Ruger .357 and her Kimber .45. I always thought Johnny would carry a Beretta 92FS.
|
92FS is too genric, common, boring. I think something customized, a little more rare, would be cool.
|
Quote:
|
And a colt detective special with parkerized frame, nickle cylinder, hammer and trigger, chamfered cylinder, action job, truglo front sight and badger wood grips as a backup?
|
Now with Johnny he's an interesting sort of guy when it comes to firearms. His tallents are geared towards longguns. Still Maria buys him the most powerful production handguns she can find as gifts. Usually they end up as decarations rather than shooting pieces.
Still he does carry either a SIG Sauer P22XR series handgun(220,226 or 229) or a pair of doublestack custom 1911 type handguns. |
“¿Cómo andas, Perro?” Johnathan Bishop greeted the dog that a cute seniorita was trying to water. “You look thirsty. Do you want an extra hand?”
Maria looked up at the young man who had walked up to her when she was trying to give ‘Berto a drink. She watched the dog for it’s reaction to the young man. ‘Berto wagged his tail and pointed his nose towards the young man. Johnathan stuck his hand in front of the dog’s nose and let it sniff him. He looked at the girl and asked. “You are a nice dog, what is your name?” Maria caught on to the play on words. She knew that she shouldn’t let herself get flattered by the gringo. Given what she had done earlier that day getting close to someone would get them seriously hurt. Still the young man was so cool and smooth with his delivery of the pickup lines that Maria felt that she should reply. “My name is Seniorita Murphy, senior?” “Bishop, Johnathan Bishop, Most people call me Johnny.” Johnny answered noticing her vividly emerald green eyes. It was obvious that her ancestry was part European mixed with Latin bloodlines into an incredibly attractive combination. She would have liked the young woman before him…He squashed the thoughts of her before they could form into painful memories. “Johnny, is it.” Maria replied. “lets talk in English. ‘Cause my English is much better than your Spanish.” “Sure thing.” Johnny said squatting down next to her and the dog. He cupped his palms and held them under the dog’s snout. Miss Murphy poured the water bottle she was holding into his palms and the dog used his hands as an improvised bowl. The dog’s rough tongue tickled his hands as it licked up and he ended up laughing. Miss Murphy smiled at him, the grin gave her the look of a mischievous imp. “Senior Bishop.” Maria asked. “You wouldn’t mind taking a girl out to get something to eat, would you?” “I’ve heard of a place around here that’s pretty good.” “Cool, lets go.” Maria started to get up and let out a yelp of pain. “Are you ok?” Johnny asks. “Yeah I just broke up with a boyfriend and it was really bad.” Maria answered. Soon she found herself walking arm and arm with the young man. It was an amazing feeling, just walking with him and not really worrying about if he was going to cause her any harm. They made small talk just to pass the time talking about such topics as Johnny’s hobby of going four wheeling on weekends. Johnny looked down at the small young woman walking with him. Her beautiful green eyes met his and he felt a connection with her. It was a warmth that he hadn’t felt in what seemed like centuries but it had only been a couple of years. A loud voice broke the moment with a catcall. “Hey Chica, why don’t you ditch that looser and come kick it with us!?!” a skinny brown haired teenager called out. Maria looked at Johnny and muttered. “Unfortunately I can’t just shoot the fucker.” “You wouldn’t…would you?” Johnny asked. “It’s really tempting.” Maria responded. “I just got rid of one asshole and I don’t need another.” “Hey Baby, I’m talking to you…” The punk called out. Johnny started leading Maria away. The fact that she was carrying a weapon was a worry. The veteranos, or border trash was a real worry as they were known for their high level of violence. The fact that Maria was really attractive was like a jar of honey in bear country. If they were lucky then they could get out without a fight. His luck ran low when a second teen stepped out in front of them. “Hold up the party’s just starting.” The teen said reaching for a knife. Johnny simply stepped up and punched the the knife wielder’s solar plexus. Maria has seen more than her share of fights over the years and immediatly put Johnny in the catigory of trained and experianced. the punch had been swift and smooth. As far as it's effectivnedd the veterano dropped like he had been hit with a sledgehammer. Maria kept up with Johnny as best as she could although his foot height over her let him walk a lot faster. Calmly she reached into her purse and gripped the .357 Magnum revolver hidden inside. Her other hand was on ‘Burto’s leash, the dog was on alert but would only attack when she gave the command. The gang members seemed to be more worried about their friend than chasing the pair. Soon they were in a better traveled area. “Are you ok?” they asked each other at once. “You first.” Johnny told Maria. “I’m fine, but I was worried about you when he pulled that knife.” Maria said with a calm tone. “I’ve had some training in that area.” Johnny said. “As for you can you use that pistol of yours?” “I’ve killed people.” Maria admitted. “it’s not something that I like to talk about but yeah, I can use it.” “The ability to kill is thankfully a rare thing.” Johnny told her. “Thankfully most of us have some regrets over it.” “You killed someone?” Maria asked. “Yeah, I killed a guy.” Johnny admitted. “I was staying with my half-sister and some homeboy who didn’t listen when she said ‘no’ broke in while we were out. When we came back he jumped me and to make a long story short I eviscerated him with a knife.” “The smell is one of the worse things that I know of.” Maria said remembering. “As I pulled the knife along his stomach everything sort of spilled out of him. When Madre found me she got me to a hospital as soon as she could. I think that’s why mi padre killed her, she cared more for me than she ever would him and he couldn’t take it.” “Lovely, just fucking lovely.” Johnny remarked. “Yeah, a perfect little childhood in hell.” |
p229 may be easiest to carry for concealment purposes, especially since hed be using long guns and the pistol is not in the primary role.
|
One of the big reasons he carries a SIG Sauer is the fact that they are Texas State issue handguns. While he doesn't carry them in .357 SIG like they do he does carry them because he grew up with them and they along with 1911 type pistols are what he is most familiar with.
While it is not a pistol per say he does aquire an O/U 12 gauge shotgun with the barrels shortened to just in front of the forgrip and the stock turned into a birdshead grip. While it's not that great a combat weapon, it does have it's uses as a vehicle gun. Currently i am writing out the next little segment and it's interesting how sometimes the bistandards make the scene. |
Besides the shotgun, what are Johnny's main long guns?
|
I have an idea of characters, kindof a backstory, but no real way to pull it together. schools over tomorrow though, maybe ill have some time to pull it together. Never been a writer but i have some ideas.
My setting is an alternate timeline U.S. thats in a civil war. |
Quote:
There is many answers contained within. |
I have found your weapons list. I just want to know where he gets the weapons from. I'm now rewriting my entire mercinary story. I feel like my dialogue is too flat and the characters should use more regional weapons.
|
Yeah, the writing seemed more like a summary than a narrative but the backstory seemed pretty cool. Regional weapons may or may not be more realistic, as mercs take there gear where they go.
|
Quote:
|
Quote:
As far as Maria goes...the various traficers on the US/mexican border litterally make millions of Dollars a year. Trust me if she survives longer than the cartel she's just left she will not have to worry much about money. Right now I am re-writing and expanding Johnny's first real fight scene. It should be pretty good as I've been acting out portions of the scene with a training partner. Hope to post it soon. |
Johnny watched Maria check her phone. On the screen was an image of the local region with a multitude of icons centered around the palomas area. There were dots traveling along the highway towards Juarez but it would take them a while to reach juarez.
"Keeping an eye on their cell phones?" Johnny asked. "How'd you know?" Maria replied. "Just guessing and it makes alot of sense." "Makes sense how?" "If you want to know where someone is at all times just keep an eye on their cell phones." Johnny states. "Unfortunatly it takes money, skill and is highly illegal." "And if it saves your life?" Maria asks. "What then?" "It really doesn't matter." Angelito watched the couple walk into the resteraunt. As far as couples went they looked good, neatly dressed, attractive and compaired to most of the people in Mexico financially well off. Their dog on the other hand was a whole different story. He had bet at the dogfights and had seen the scars that it produced. Whatever the dog had survived wasn't a dog and had left a deep jagged scar across it's muzzle. It was not the animal of rich tourists begging to be mugged. He looked back at the couple. He started with the guy and gave him a closer look, he noticed that the guy was wearing black boots and had a knife clipped to his left pocket. On the other hand the girl looked harmless until he caught her eyes. They were a seductive green and he got a flash of something behind them that was a deadly as a rattlesnake. She then gave him a nod. Angelito went back to eating his buritto. He had already jumped a tourist today and he didn't need the sort of trouble that the couple would give him. Somehow he just knew that they were bad luck. “You evil fucking bastard.” Maria told the man in front of her. He had just told Roger to take Johnny out behind the restaurant and shoot him. “Now Maria is that any way to talk to your father.” The man scolded her. Emond Murphy was a career mercenary terrorist. As a teenager he was transporting guns for an active cell of the PIRA. By the time he was eighteen he had graduated from a Libyan ran terrorist training camp. Afterwards he had a promising career as a bank robber. Unfortunately his crew messed up and he was sent to Mexico. There he was snapped up by the drug cartels as a valuable freelance operative. “You may be my biological father, but you are not my fucking parent.” Maria told him her anger bubbling close to the surface. “Well in any case you know way too much to go running around free to run that dirty mouth of yours.” Her father told her. “Let alone that beating that you gave Juan.” “You know that there was bad blood between us. It was personal business that I ended, I have no ill will between his father and myself.” “Still you did beat the hell out of his son.” Her father told her. “That has caused a lot of bad blood.” Maria raised her .357 magnum above the table, she had forced the hammer back with the edge of her left palm. The room froze at the sight of the revolver. “I’m not going back…period.” “I would listen to the lady if I was you.” Johnny said from the back door. Not only was he unharmed but he had Roger’s Colt Law Enforcement Carbine in his hands. He had taken Roger by surprise, knocked him out cold with an open handed strike and had shot the pair of men with Roger. Now he was walking into a second gunfight in under a minute. Cra-Boom! Cra-Crack! Cra-Boom! Maria joined Johnny in shooting the three bodyguard with her father. The reports of the Ruger .357 and the Colt Law Enforcement Carbine mixed as the reacting bodyguards fell in a crossfire. When the men fell Maria got up and walked over to them. She looked down at the bodies and noticed the neat pairs of holes made by the carbine. The bodyguards had been wearing body armor but it hadn’t been rated to stop a rifle at close range. She looked back at her father, he had removed his pistol with two fingers and set it on the table. She walked to the front of the restaurant and waited for Johnny. The burst from the carbine and her father’s screaming made her look back. Her father had tried to pull his backup pistol from an ankle holster. Johnny had shot her father in the leg , severing it below the knee. She looked up at Johnny. “You did what you had to do now lets get out of here.” She told him. While Johnny had shot her father it was to save his own life. As it was they needed to get out of town before the cops started looking for them. Johnny Field stripped the carbine and dropped it just inside the door. He would have killed Maria’s father if she hadn’t been in the room. The man was a sociopath and a murderous thug. The man was the same sort of person who had killed her. |
Johnny shut the door to his suburban. He felt drained of energy, not so much in a physical sense but more of a total bone deep drained. He looked over at Maria. The girl was shivering even though it was over a hundred and twenty inside the SUV.
“Johnny, I’m so sorry about this.” Maria says to him. “It wasn’t your fault.” Johnny answers. “Yes it was I’m the one who pissed them off.” Maria replies. “They did something I found to be going too far…told them to fuck off and killed anyone who tried to stop me.” “Define too far.” Johnny asks suddenly very serious. “It made the news in El Norte.” Maria answers after a pause. “They killed a cop and a couple of his kids. I won’t lie I’ve done a bunch of bad shit. But, some things are just wrong.” “So you are just walking away?” “Getting out before things get bad.” “Like a rat fleeing a sinking ship.” “Try sick of the blood and the pain.” Maria states. She pulls her sleeve back to expose a network of pale scars. “I’ve been through hell because of them. So hopefully I can find something money can’t buy.” “So how are you getting across the border?” Johnny asks. “I got a US passport with my birth name on it.” Maria answers. “I hope it is as legitimate as Domino says that it is as I would hate for her to be wrong about something.” Dominique closed her eyes and activated the computer system currently linked to her brain. The switch between the real world and the digital was uncomfortable with both the stabbing pain behind her eyes from the bright flash of light, auditory overstimulus brought on a nasty screech of feedback and various other sensations assaulted her. Once the system synced up with her mind she found herself in a virtual room. She had designed the programming herself, and had reasoned that a three dimensional environment was less stressful on the human mind. Even when one has an IQ that is literally off the charts. Dominique had done the calculations several years back and there were maybe a single handful of people on the planet with her level of intelligence in history. As it was the human mind was not designed to respond to or utilize computer code. As it was she needed some very complex translation programs in order to mentally interface with a computer without going completely insane. To Dominique sanity didn’t quite imply as she thought nothing like a normal human being. She could understand languages easy enough, currently she could understand the spoken word of a half dozen languages and could read about twice that written. Her issue was that when she wrote or spoke she was thinking a couple of paragraphs ahead of what she was trying to communicate. She usually ended up acting like a child and gesturing towards what she wanted, in essence becoming an idiot savant. A program notified her that it had gotten a facial recognition hit. Biometrics had come a long way since their beginning in tracking people. From fingerprints and tattoos to the current facial recognition software things had advanced. So had methods of changing ones appearance. Fortunately the human skull could not change its underlying shape. It also helped that Maria was an attractive young woman. Dominique giggled as Maria breezed past security that should have flagged her as being on a terrorist watch list. She decided then and there to put a thank you note among the next packet of viral software she sent to various Chinese Government hackers. She detested them like the computerized roaches they were. What they lacked in skill they made up for in numbers. Still their blatant noisy attacks made for great cover for those who wanted to be sneaky. Maria sat on a bench overlooking the Rio Grande. It was a simply amazing the amount of vehicular traffic going over the river. To pass the time she tried to mentally figure out how long it would take Johnny to reach her. After maria left Johnny’s truck, he crawled into the back and collapsed onto a bench seat. In some ways he was lucky in that it hadn’t been his first experience with mortal combat. So far he had avoided loosing control of his bodily functions. Emotionally after he got down off the combat high he hit post combat depression. “Fuck.” Was all he said as he sat up and closed his eyes. For a girl he had just met he had commited multiple felonies. In the US his actions would be considered justified. Hell in some parts of Texas he would get a medal. In mexico he would get a jail cell. Followed by cartel retaliation. “Hello again Johnny.” Maria said getting back into Johnny’s suburban. “You should have ran away.” |
It's nice you got around to writing it. What year does it take place in?
|
Quote:
As far as the year the story takes place the setting was origionally 2020 but the year can be mor accuratly described as 15 years into the future. meaning that the events and technology in the stories do currently exist or have happened just they are reformed through the lens of this story. |
|
| All times are GMT. The time now is 09:40 AM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.