I'd prefer Denny Crane. He has actual diplomas and he promises me millions of dollars, not a cigar shaped pen, smoking monkey, or bussiness card that turns into a sponge when wet (although I would like a smoking monkey).

Vinny Gambini.

My car died in the school parking lot and I had to wait an hour because of all the traffic so me, my buddy and a couple of auto tech guys to push it to the auto tech garage to charge it. It is really fucking hot outside too

My dad drives me to school in the morning. It's like having a chauffeur.

im eating a peanut butter waffle sandwich
basically peanut butter between two waffles....not bad

I'm going to be riding with my friend for a little while. The auto tech guys took a look at my Expedition and there is a bunch of shit wrong with it

I´ve never eaten waffles.

Yesterday, I spent 230 bucks to repair my Sierra´s brakes, carter and some details in the wheels. It´s a pain in the ass when your car is broken.

You need to start eating more stuff

Maybe. Also, Starbucks coffee, but I´m sure I´ll taste it this week.

I try to avoid non-homebrewed coffee. Every time I drink it, I get sick

my eyes keep on unfocusing and it's starting to piss me off

I used to drink Starbucks in the glass bottles during college. It sucks.

Is it worse than McDonald´s coffee?

Actually the McDonald's coffee I used to worked at is pretty good

Speaking of caffeinated beverages made from plants, I'm going to create my own political party to be a constant pain-in-the-ass to the douche bag Tea party. It'll be called . . . the Postum party.

Here's my strategy to take down Chuck Norris:

First, distract target

Then block his blind jab, counter with cross to left cheek.

Discombobulate.

Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block, and body shot. Block feral left, weaken right jaw, and fracture,

Break cracked ribs, traumatize solar plexus, dislocate jaw entirely.

Heel kick to diaphragm.

In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery: Six Weeks. Full psychological recovery: Six Monthes.

Wilem Dafoe lives in my closet.

i went to go buy a zippo i've been eyeing at a store today after school so i rode my bike up to it, its only about three miles and i can take it in 5 minutes. so i got there and i see it and i realise i dont have any money and i go back home and get it then go to the store...the hours are from 9-5:30...i looked at my phone...5:32, the doors wouldn't open and they wouldnt let me in:(

guess im going tomorrow:rolleyes:

Here's what George Carlin thinks of Fred Phelps:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EllF...eature=related

damnit! Why does this keep happening to me?!?

The internetz sez: "Because fuck you, that's why"

Here's what I feed Wilem Dafoe: a bucket of fishheads once a week.

This morning I found a dead fish in the sidewalk.

My pinched nerve is acting up again :mad:

That has nothing to do with the nail-imbedded-in-my-hip pain I am experiencing

I know. I just did it for the lulz.

Here's what I think when I see a pretty girl on the street. One part of me wants to take her out, buy her dinner, dress her up, neck with her. The other part of wonders what her head would look like on a stake.

Like this;
http://www.blogcdn.com/www.joystiq.c...omero-head.jpg
but female.

Lol. Are you sure that you aren´t Ted Bundy´s son?

Jesus Tapdancing Christ what the hell is wrong with you?

Isn't that a quote from a movie? Or something similar?

But like everyone else said, that's a fucked up thing to say.

It's from American Psycho. And that saying came from a really fucked up person, Ed Gein. And in the movie, it's being quoted by a equally fucked up person, Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale).

I freaking knew that came from a movie. I'm pretty good at movie quotes but that's not one I ever think of.

Because of that film, I can't listen to Phil Collins' Sussudio without thinking of Bateman banging the two hookers.

One girl, I drove through three states wearing her head as a hat.

Guess the movie. :D

Also the quote is misattributed to Gein in American Psycho. It was actually said by Edmund Kemper.

Con Air. Not sure the character's name, but he did get away in the end

Fifty internet dollars to whoever gets the character and the actor who played him.

Character: Garland "The Marietta Mangler" Greene. Actor: Steve Buscemi.

Bonus points to Swordfish941 for including his nickname. Congrats.